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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871569">Ebb &amp; Fiona: Cryptid Catchers</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unenthusiastic_mermaid/pseuds/Unenthusiastic_mermaid'>Unenthusiastic_mermaid</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sexyverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>CHUMPS I TELL YA, Crack Fic, F/F, LMAO, M/M, None - Freeform, RIP, Sort Of, Waffle House, absolute crack, absolutely none, actually amazingly written fic love yourself, also a demon is summoned, cryptid co, dennys, dick sucking socks be gone, gratuitous mentions of peanutbutter, im sorry, it's like in the same universe, no beta we die like men, no but there is no sign of gramamamar here, no but think of this as like my immortal meets my 10pm benadryl crack dream, paul hollywood - Freeform, poorly written fic, reat at your own risk, sexyverse extended cinematic universe, spellcheck is for CHUMPS, this is a sexyverse sequel, which it is</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:36:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25871569</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unenthusiastic_mermaid/pseuds/Unenthusiastic_mermaid</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ebb and Fiona run Cryptid Catchers, a cryptid catching company. They're not very good at it, but they try. </p><p>This fic is for Sconey bc she is great and puts up with my weird 3am shit&lt;3333333333</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ebeneza "Ebb" Petty &amp; Fiona Pitch, Ebeneza "Ebb" Petty/Fiona Pitch, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch &amp; Simon Snow, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sexyverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876684</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Shit hits the fan</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/sconelover/gifts">sconelover</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Ebb and Fiona get a call. Shit hits the fan.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ebb and Fiona are sitting in the office. Ebb is petting a goat and Fiona is doing a line of crushed up sweetarts. There is a goat in the corner. His name is Davy McShittydad. He’s wearing a leather jacket and has a rad ass pair of sunglasses on. He’s the mascot. He chews on a pair of Fiona’s black vegan made in england doc martens.</p><p>“Babe” Ebb says</p><p>Fiona snorts another line like an absolute champ and then sits up, “babe”</p><p>“Davy McShittydad is eatin yer kicks”</p><p>Fiona jerks awake and pulls out a pocket knife and throws it at Davy and it misses by 5 feet but scares him enough to get him to walk away from her really expensive shoes.</p><p>“That bitch”</p><p>“He’s a kid. Not a bitch. I think that’s for dogs-”</p><p>The phone rings and Ebb launches herself across the room, almost knocking over her Hosier shrine. She saw him once at a concert. It was lit. He had enough lesbian vibes to fuel her for at least a week. Fiona fell asleep in her arms. It was very gay. 10/10.</p><p>“Ebb speaking?”</p><p>“...V...PIRE!” the voice shouts, the line is cutting in and out. Ebb isn’t sure if it’s because the guy’s phone is bad or if Davy finally chewed through the phone cord. That dick, “BOYFRIEND… HELP ME…. I LIVE AT [generic street name here]!”</p><p>The phone cuts out and Ebb tries to write as much down as possible while Fiona sprints into action and grabs her best vegan leather jacket with a skull on it. She’s very punk, but not like mainstream punk. She’s an alternative version of punk. Like punk if it was a really angry middle aged lesbian with a strip of grey hair who listens to bad music and snorts children's candies on her desk when she should have been doing adult stuff like taxes or crying over whatever the hell a 401k is.<em> What is a 401k…?</em></p><p>“What is it babe? Do we finally get to make that loch-ness sushi?”</p><p>“No, it’s a vampire missing and I think it ate a boyfriend?” Ebb looks at her notes. She didn’t write anything, she just drew a goat.</p><p>“Cool let’s go stab this bitch!” Fiona shouts as she grabs her vampire hunting kit she bought off of craigslist and runs out the door.</p><p>Ebb gives Davy one little pet before grabbing her goat purse and putting on her goat shoes and running out to the Cryptid Cmobile. It’s called that because Ebb really liked alliteration but nothing started with C.</p><p>The Cryptid Cmobile is an old yellow vespa scooter that has goat stickers on it and a bumper sticker that says “EAT SHIT” in big punk letters. Ebb rides in the front and drives because Fiona is not legally allowed by the United Kingdom to operate anything with wheels after…. <em>The incident</em>. People still run and scream when they see Fiona even look at a motor vehicle. Ebb is pretty sure they have a file on her and some kind of wire tap. </p><p>Fiona and Ebb hop onto the Cryptid Cmobile and drive along the streets of London. They only go like 5mph but they’re still pretty determined and zoom to their destination.</p><p>…</p><p>They get to the destination and a very tall twunk meets them at the door. It takes Ebb about a minute of intensely staring at him before she realizes it’s Simon. He looks like shit. He has bloody hands and it looks like there’s something on the back of his neck but it doesn’t really matter. </p><p>“Simon!” Ebb shouts as she launches herself into his arms. Simon catches her.</p><p>“PUT MY GIRLFRIEND DOWN!” Fiona shouts as Simon drops Ebb and is quickly tacked by Fiona.</p><p>“FIONA BABE!”</p><p>Ebb pulls Fiona off of Simon and he rolls over and takes a minute to consider why Fiona even tackled him. Simon stares off into space and wonders why <em>he</em> even called them, but then remembers that they’re family and even if they are really bad at their jobs, <em>he</em> still has to support them. Kind of like how Simon support’s Baz’s really weird sock thing and how Baz supports his Paul Hollywood kink.</p><p>“Simon why did you call us?” Ebb asks</p><p>Fiona is in the background swinging a sharpened table leg around shouting “COME HERE YOU VAMPIRE FUCKS” at nothing. A lady crosses the street with her son and looks like she’s gonna call 911 but she doesn’t. No one cares that much. </p><p>Simon lays face down on the dirty street and begins to halfheartedly sob. His heart isn’t in it.</p><p>"Baz is goneeee!" He cries out as he rolls around a little bit. Yup, there’s definitely something on the back of his neck. Looks like a demon summoning rune. Weird fashion choice but okay.</p><p>Ebb pulls out a small goat stuffed animal from her purse and chucks it at Fiona who was still screaming at nothing but now actively assaulting a mailbox which she thinks may be considered some kind of royal crime punishable by being fed to those fucking terrifying corgis the queen has. Absolutely bloodthirsty little loaf fuckers. (Where are their legs??? Who knows????)</p><p>"BABE STOP"</p><p>"Sorry babe I got lost in it all" FIona says, prying the stake from the mailbox.</p><p>"Anyway, Baz is missing" Ebb continues</p><p>"LOL sucks for him. That loser bitch"</p><p>Simon sobs much more loudly and now is rolling around in the grass. A chunk of dirt goes up his nose and a fly lands on his eyes. He doesn’t blink.</p><p>"FIONA! BE NICE HE IS YOUR FAMILY" Ebb takes out another goat and absolutely whips that thing at Simon. Like, full on launches it at his head. There’s like an audible thump. Heads turn. Simon stops sobbing.</p><p>"We will find him, Salad!" Ebb says, pretty confident that they'll be able to find him because Baz is very dramatic and he's probably just dry humping his reflection in a mirror or something.</p><p>"I thought we were gonna kill vampires" Fiona says, frowning and stabbing the air sadly.</p><p>"You can stab Baz, as a treat" Ebb says, patting her head. </p><p>“Wait no I need Baz alive for the r-”</p><p>“<em>As a treat</em>” Ebb says, ignoring Simon.</p><p>Simon finally gets off the ground and brushes the dirt from his face.</p><p>"Please find my boyfriend and bring him back and also please don't stab him <em>that's my job</em>” Simon says as he starts thrusting aimlessly in the air and then sobbing again because Baz is gone and there’s no one to take his meat stick. </p><p>Ebb goes to speak but Fiona grabs her and drags her off, already running back to the Cryptid Cmobile.</p><p>"DON'T WORRY, SALAD! WE'LL FIND YOUR BOYFRIEND AND ONLY STAB HIM A LITTLE BYE!"</p><p>…</p><p>Their first stop is to Denny's. I have no idea how a Denny's got into the middle of a shady London suburb, but you know what? Wizards are a thing. So Denny's can exist in London too.</p><p>Anyway, Ebb pulls up to the Denny's and Fiona immediately jumps off and runs into the Denny's. </p><p>"FIONA WAIT"</p><p>Fiona kicks down the door and immediately runs over to the booth that Nico sleeps in only on Weds and Fridays every third month because he’s a fucking vampire.</p><p>"Get up you cabbage patch cock!" Fiona yells. She grabs his plate of subpar food and throws it behind her, nearly missing Ebb's head.</p><p>"Hewwoo?" Nico said as he rose from the booth like a really slow rising boner that smelled like day drinking and subpar american food.</p><p>"Don't fuck with me where is Salad's boyfriend?"</p><p>Ebb sighs, "Where is Beta?"</p><p>"I thought his name was Beck?" Fiona says as she lightly stabs a vampire in the booth next to Nico. Idk if he'll be fine, but this story isn't about him.</p><p>"you looking for Basil?" Nico says</p><p>"No I don't like Basil. It's no good on anything. Maybe in a sauce? Definitely not in Denny's" Ebb says. Fiona stabs a vampire in agreement.</p><p>"Babe I think he's a dead end" Fiona says, sadly.</p><p>Ebb hugs her and gives her a smooch, "It's okay babe, we'll find him. Maybe kill a vampire or two? It may make you feel a bit better"</p><p>Fiona nods and goes and kills a vampire or eight to make her feel better. The entire Denny's looks like a cheap knockoff Tarantino film that was made in a midwestern college kid’s basement.</p><p>"Maybe check the mall?" Nico says, rolling the head of a dead vampire off of his booth.</p><p>"No, Fiona is banned from there. Something about a Yankee Candle?"</p><p>"Hmm… that blows. You sure he's missing? Maybe he's just sleeping?"</p><p>Ebb gasps, "oh my god I never thought of that!!!!"</p><p>Ebb grabs Fiona and they run out.</p><p>…</p><p>They get back to Simon's apartment and burst in. He's in a Paul Hollywood shirt and a thong for… some reason. He's in the process of covering his left cheek with peanut butter and is singing some kind of Gregorian chant. There are candles around him and he’s standing in a pentagram of peanut butter. His eyes are black and also he has horns. The couch is on fire and there’s a lot of blood on the floor. Baz’s kinky occasion socks are strewn across the room. Weird.</p><p>"<strong>DEATH TO HUMANITY</strong>” Simon screeches as his head turns around like twice in a circle.</p><p>"Salad we think we know where Bed is!" Fiona shouts. She jumps onto the couch and begins to stab a throw pillow.</p><p>Ebb pinches the bridge of her nose, "Did you check the bathroom for Bed?"</p><p>“<strong>WHO IS THIS MORTAL YOU SPEAK OF</strong>?”</p><p>“Sandbox, honey your hair is a mess” Ebb says as she pats him on the head. He tries to bite her hand off but she ignores him, “We think Basil actually may be here and not missing!”</p><p>“<strong>HUMANITY WILL BURN BENEATH MY FEET, I WILL CONSUME--</strong>”</p><p>“Found him!”  Fiona shouts from the other room.</p><p>Ebb grabs Simon and runs in and sees Fiona dragging Baz from out underneath the bed. He’s got Simon’s sword in his hands and he’s wearing his Scared Shitless Socks. He’s covered in blood and his eyes are all bugged out like some kind of really scared furby.</p><p>“We found Simon!” Ebb says as she pushes Simon to Baz.</p><p>“<em>PUT THAT THING THE FUCK BACK</em>” Baz shrieks as he tries to throw the sword at Simon but the sword just catches on fire and grows legs and then melts into the floor. </p><p>“Wait weren't we looking for Baz?” Ebb asks. She’s confused.</p><p>“Honestly I don’t care as long as they have each other” Fiona says as she smooches Ebb.</p><p>Simon (?) is in the doorway and screaming something in a long dead language while worms are coming out of his mouth and also I think he’s got a tail now and I think he also has like a mouth of long and narrow fangs and black veins going up and down his arms. Symbols are floating in the air around him.</p><p>“<em>DO YOU TWO NOT SEE THAT FUCKING THING</em>?” Baz is screaming now.</p><p>“hey hey that’s not nice” Ebb says, “Simon just looks a little under the weather. Maybe a good cup of chowder will warm him up, eh Simon?”</p><p>“<strong>MY NAME IS ASMONDONDONDADON AND I WILL BURN YOU ALL UNTIL NOTHING REMAINS</strong>” the thing that is probably not Simon says.</p><p>“I’ll drop by some chowder later, love” Fiona says. Ebb smiles a big cute smile and begins to happy dance. She’s very happy that they found Baz.</p><p>Ebb pulls Simon in for a hug. Fiona grabs Baz and pulls him into a hug too. For some reason he tries to jump out of the window. Maybe he’s going through puberty again and needs help? Who cares. They’re all happy.</p><p>Ebb pulls out her phone to take a photo of another job well done. Simon’s eyes look a little weird, but it’s probably the glare from his new burning horns and those weird symbols that appeared on his face. Kids these days with their strange fashion choices. </p><p>…</p><p>Ebb and Fiona wave goodbye to Baz and Simon. Simon is dragging Baz back into the house probably to cuddle.</p><p>“Baz stop screaming!” Fiona says, “Be nice to your boyfriend!”</p><p>“<em>FIONA CALL THE COVEN, CALL THE COVEN--</em>”</p><p>Baz is pulled through the door and then everything goes silent. Heavy clouds begin to swirl around their building as the sky darkens and the air grows cold. You can see flames licking the sides of their window, but nothing catches on fire. The runes are appearing all over the walls and the air around them seems to go still, almost like time itself has stopped. They can see Simon, or the being formerly known as Simon,standing in the center of the room. He lets out a deep and guttural growl as he plunges his hands into the floor and opens a portal to a world much darker and colder than our own.</p><p>“Do you think that maybe that wasn’t actually Simon? Because I think we made a mistake” Ebb whispers as a cloud of bat-like creatures tear through the open portal, out the window, and into the sky above them, blocking out the sun.</p><p>Fiona gulps and grips her wooden stake tight, “What should we do?”</p><p>“Fuck if I know babe”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. peanut butter is for demons</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Oopsie. Simon is a demon now.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Like 24 hours ago:</strong>
</p>
<p>“Baz where is the peanut butter?” Simon yodeled loudly like a sheep.</p>
<p>Baz was on the ground surrounded by his sock collection. He was counting them super carefully to make sure he had all of them. One of his dick sucking socks was missing and he was really horny so he was starting to panic.</p>
<p>“Not now simon!” Baz ejaculates “Can't you see i’m desperate and horny and confused! My sock is done and i can’t do anything and i’m freaking out about to stab myself with your Paul Hollywood knives!”</p>
<p>“Babe i'm trying to help you”</p>
<p>“What”</p>
<p>“I found this spell to find shit with and you just need like really demonic looking peanutbutter”</p>
<p>Baz blinks very slowly “what... the... fuck”</p>
<p>“I know, peanut butter is pretty gross but-”</p>
<p>“The demon part. What?”</p>
<p>“Idk man. I was just gonna draw like an angry face in it”</p>
<p>Baz knew anything related to demons was like a really bad idea, but peanut butter isn’t evil enough to summon them so he just points to the cabinet and resumes his horny panic attack.</p>
<p>Simon grabs the peanut butter and draws a really poorly drawn demon in it. He found this book yesterday in Baz’s family’s library when they were looking for Baz’s dick sucking sock and it had a peanut butter demon finding spell and he decided to take it. Simon followed the instructions and makes a circle of peanut butter then lights it on fire and screams “MY NAME IS SIMON AND I AM SUMMONING A DEMON TO FIND MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND’S DICK SUCKING SOCK CAN YOU HELP??? ” </p>
<p>The circle does literally nothing.</p>
<p>“DId you find my sock???” Baz says, running in wearing his concerned socks.</p>
<p>Simon goes to say no, but then a literal fucking demon appears. Like it’s got horns and all. </p>
<p>“Hey are you Baz’s sock?” Simon asks</p>
<p>“SIMON THATS A FUCKING DEMON WHAT DID YOU DO YOU-”</p>
<p>The demon raises one wrinkly ass raisin looking claw hand and the peanutbutter circle lights on fire. It then yoinks Simon's soul from his body, shoves it in the peanut butter jar and then takes sover Simon’s body.</p>
<p>Baz manages to run to the phone and gets a few words in with Fiona and Ebb before the demon grabs the Paul Hollywood Commemorative kitchen knives that Simon just HAD to buy and then tries decapitating Baz with them. Baz makes a run for it and hides in the bedroom closet. He spent the first like 13 years of his life there, so he’s used to it. There’s a chair and a tv and also a little cup holder and a “Hang in there!” poster with Simon’s face crudely drawn on it. Baz kicks back and waits for help.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <strong>Present Time:</strong>
</p>
<p>The being formerly known as Simon released some sort of storm of demons on the world like maybe 6 mins ago. Fiona and Ebb sped off on the Cryptid Cmobile as fast as they could to the one place that they knew would still operate in an apocalyptic hellhole. Waffle House. </p>
<p>They burst in the doors and see the coven and Nico and a few vampires occupying the booths eating those really gross waffles. </p>
<p>“Did you do this?” Nico shouts as he gets up like really angrily and tries to grab Fiona. She kicks him in the face and he falls over. </p>
<p>“Babe don’t kick him in the face that’s not very cash money of you”</p>
<p>“Sorry babe i’m just stressed because that demon really didn’t vibe with me and now i feel icky”</p>
<p>“FIONA!” Malcolm comes over. The man is wearing a literal suit in a Waffle House and is literally dripping bad Tory vibes, “WHERE IS BASILTON?”</p>
<p>Ebb shrugs, “Idk a Basilton but I do know a Bed and I think a demon ate him”</p>
<p>Malcolm makes like a really weird scream yodel thing and then goes back to harassing minimum wage workers for forgetting to include his extra whipped cream. </p>
<p>Fiona is sad, “babe how will we like get him?”</p>
<p>“Idk but Bed and Salad are there somewhere… hopefully?” Ebb says “It looks like Simon used a peanut butter demon spell so all we have to do is get rid of the peanut butter and they should be free. The problem is who will eat all of that peanutbutter and be stupid enough to face a full fucking demon…”</p>
<p>Fiona looks right at the camera and puts on her sunglasses (the cool ones), “I know a man”</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Shepherd was having his weekly tea with mothman and bloody mary when Fiona and Ebb came crashing through his very nice bay window where he kept the plants. Glass is everywhere but the plants are okay.</p>
<p>“Hey y’all bunch of biscuit tornadoes what in omaha is this tarnation?”</p>
<p>Mothman looks really offended that people just like totally crashed the tea party. Bloody Mary is dead but she is also kinda offended. </p>
<p>“DEMON…. KILL….. HELP” Fiona gasps. She had to jump through the window and she’s really tired because she kinda let herself get out of shape a little and also she's kind of old and has been just eating Ebb’s butter biscuits for the past year.</p>
<p>“Salad summoned a demon and you’re the only one stupid enough to go in there and eat the peanutbutter to unsummon it”</p>
<p>Shepherd takes a long hard American Minute to think it over while he bites on the straw in his mouth and admires the tumbleweeds go by in the background.</p>
<p>“By the name of Aberham Lincoln and all of the bald eagles in the state of Utah I promise to help you two redcoats in your quest to find your anemic horny vampire and his himbo dragon boyfriend”</p>
<p>Fiona and Ebb cheer but then Ebb starts to sob.</p>
<p>“The Cryptid Cmobile can only fit two people!” The sobs get louder “How will we get there in time before they diesel!!!”</p>
<p>They are all like really sad for a moment and then mothman steps up and adjusts his tie. </p>
<p>“I can assist.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Knife to Meet You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Demon Simon gets owned. Fiona loses a friend.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>Meanwhile in the Peanutbutter dimension:</strong>
</p>
<p>Baz was yoinked from his body and shoved in the peanut butter jar with Simon. Time passes differently here so it feels like it’s been a full 27 years.</p>
<p>“Go fish” Simon says, laying down a homemade peanut butter go fish card.</p>
<p>“Fuck you”</p>
<p>Baz lays back onto the peanutbutter sofa and grunts, “That’s 23,859 games in a row. How are you so good?”</p>
<p>Simon shrugs then picks up the cards and deals them again. There’s only 3 of them. Simon gives himself one card and Baz two. This literally makes it so that Simon wins every time, but both of them are under a lot of stress and don't realize this yet. </p>
<p>…</p>
<p>
  <strong>PRESENT TIME:</strong>
</p>
<p>Ebb and Fiona are racing down the street with Mothman and Shepherd flying behind them. Shepherd has a giant american flag cape on (for some unknown reason?) and is blasting some kind of son about Omaha. Ebb isn’t sure what an Omaha even is. Fiona is determined to stab something. Mothman be wildin.</p>
<p>They like zoom over like total superheroes and get back to simon and baz’s really overpriced flat that really shouldn’t be that expensive but it’s central london and they’re right near the tube so I guess it’s kind of worth it. There are bats and shit flying around it and the entire place is on fire. This should technically lower the property value of the place, but there is like no room in London so tbh someone would live there even with the demonic portal.</p>
<p>Mothman drops off Shepherd then flies off, “Farewell travelers! Don’t McFucking die!” he shouts</p>
<p>Shepherd sheds a singular patriotic american tear before getting into action mode. He rips off his clothes and underneath he’s wearing an american flag button down shirt and assless chaps. His butt is hanging out. Fiona is a bit weirded out but Ebb is impressed that he has the time to keep it in such good shape. He probably does a lot of freedom squats like every good american does. She really wishes she had a butt like that.</p>
<p>Ebb pulls out her phone and reads “ according to AccidentalDemons.net it looks like Sancho summoned a peanut butter demon”</p>
<p>“Stabby?” Fiona asks. She’s buzzing with chaotic energy and a strong desire to stab. Her entire body is literally vibrating with excitement at the idea of being able to kill something.</p>
<p>“We can stab it, but like gently as it’s still Sancho’s body”
“Isn’t that Simon?” Shepherd asks</p>
<p>“Not important!” Fiona screams. She rips open her punk jacket and reveals 32 knives that were hidden inside the entire time! They all have special pouches and names. Her favorite is <em>Sir Stabalot</em>. <em>Senior Stabby</em> is a close second and <em>Knife to Meet You</em> is like a third. She grabs for <em>Sir Stabalot</em> .</p>
<p>“How in tarnation does she hold that many knives?” Shepherd asks, “Is that even possible? Wouldn’t they weigh her down? I feel like this is a plot hole-”</p>
<p>“NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS, SEMON!” Fiona screams politely</p>
<p>Ebb reads through the rest of the webpage and places a quick Amazon order for 34 scented candles that look like goats, “Right. So we gotta break in there, distract the demon and then open the peanut butter jar and release their souls!”</p>
<p>“Right!” Fiona says. She's stabbing the air like it just kikked her mom, shit on her docs, and called her a Tory.</p>
<p>“I have not a single clue in all of Omaha what i’m doing--”</p>
<p>“GO NOW!” Ebb screams</p>
<p>Shepherd charges at the door and bounces right off of it because it’s a heavy metal door and he’s like maybe 170lbs soaking wet. He flops to the ground like a very unhappy fish. </p>
<p>Ebb runs up to the door and opens it and then they charge inside again. The demon formerly known as Simon turns to them.</p>
<p>“<strong>BEGONE MORTALS</strong>”</p>
<p>Fiona smiles wickedly and then begins to throw knives in every direction. She is screeching and basically body slams the demon and begins to rip into him. Shepherd is a little taken back and Ebb makes a note to not anger Fiona. </p>
<p>Ebb sees the peanut butter jar in the corner and lunges for it but a shit load of bats come through the window. </p>
<p>“IT’S SHEPHERD FROM OMAHA, BITCHACHOS”</p>
<p>Shepherd pulls out a gun (yes he has a gun he’s american why are you suprised) and begins to shoot the angry demons bats out of the air. They thud to the ground and melt into puddles. Fiona is now wrestling with the demon. The demon is losing. He looks like he wet himself and Fiona has pure fire and chaos in her eyes. Ebb was gonna tell her to go easy because that's Sancho's body, but that's a problem for future Ebb.</p>
<p>Ebb ducks away from it all and opens the peanut butter jar. </p>
<p>The world falls to a halt and for a moment Ebb swears she sees FIona bite the demon. Soon enough, time kicks back in and the entire room goes up in light.</p>
<p>“<strong>NO!</strong>” The demon wearing Simon's meatsuit screams as he’s pulled from Simon’s body. All of the little fucking bat things begin to screech as they are pulled back into the portal with the demon (hold the simon). Within a second everything is back to normal. The giant portal in the center of the room stops glowing.</p>
<p>“The demon is gone but where are--” Shepherd is cut off by a horrible <em>BLURRRRRPPP!</em></p>
<p>The portal opens and basically vomits a warehouse worth of peanut butter into the room along with a very sticky Baz.</p>
<p>Simon snaps awake and Baz rolls around and groans a bit before waking up. There's a crude looking playing card stuck to his face.</p>
<p>“BABE!” Simon screams as he wakes up. He's pretty wrecked from having Fiona like stab him. </p>
<p>“SUGAR DICK!” Baz screams back as he tries to figure out what is happening.</p>
<p>They basically launch their tongues at each other and begin to kiss. The peanut butter would take any normal couple out of the mood, but these boys be wild and it actually only adds to the experience of it all.</p>
<p>Fiona gets up from the floor and brushes herself off, “JOB WELL DONE!”</p>
<p>Ebb cheers and jumps up in joy but when she lands she slips and falls face first into the foot deep pool of peanut butter in the room. </p>
<p>“That was really easy and I feel like this was a bit of lazy writing and poor planning and-” Shepherd is cut off. He falls in the peanut butter too but much harder. When Fiona helps him up, she notices something shiny. </p>
<p>Fiona looks down and suddenly begins to look sad. <em>Sir Stabalot</em> is on the ground before her. The knife is bent at a right angle from stabbing it into SimonxDemon’s chest. Ebb goes over to comfort her. The knife was like a child to her. A really badass child she got from the weird discount store at the mall that also sells incense and shirts with wolves on them and most likely weed but the cops have yet to gather evidence. She claims the knives were all given to her by a monk that she met after she killed no less than seven ninjas in Peru. Ebb doesn't believe her but she plays along.</p>
<p>They will hold a viking funeral to commemorate it’s hard work and bravery. </p>
<p>“How will we clean this all up?” Ebb asks as she pats FIona’s back. The back oats of comfort make weird squish noises because of the peanut butter.</p>
<p>Baz and Simon are still attached at the mouths so they aren’t really paying attention to much going on around them.</p>
<p>“I know a guy” Shepherd says.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>It took Mothman 34 hours to lick the room clean. He was very thorough about it and even got in between the couch and the wall. He did a great job. </p>
<p>Shepherd bid farewell and flew off into the sunset on Mothman, his buns of steel on full display though the chaps that had absolutely no ass and left nothing to the imagination. Bed and Salado didn't really notice anything becuase they were still busy sucking eachother's ….faces and went back to whatever they usually do.</p>
<p>Ebb and Foona went back to the Cryptid Headquarters and made Good Job Tea. It’s tea but instead of using milk they use a shot of Bailey’s Irish Cream. And instead of water they use vodka. And instead of sugar they add in pure cheeto dust. Ebb likes to add a bit of Tequila to hers. </p>
<p>They then went outside to the River Thames and laid <em>Sir Stabalot</em> down into a very well made tiny boat that Ebb stole from Malcolm. I’m sure he doesn’t mind it being gone (It was just in the library with a stupid glass box around it on a podium). They push off the boat and Fiona pulls out her 15th century bow and arrow and shoots a flaming arrow onto the boat. It lit on fire and burned as it sailed down the river. Lots of tourists were watching and some thought it was some kind of modern art project. Others looked on in confusion wondering why the discount goth lady just lit a small boat on fire and was now weeping into a small goat shaped handkerchief that the other lady that looked like someone who'd try to rope you into a pyramid scheme gave her.</p>
<p>“He served us well,” Ebb said as she comforted Fiona.</p>
<p>“He will be missed.” Fiona said as she saluted the boat. </p>
<p>They look up as Mothman and Shepherd do a fly by salute.</p>
<p>Ebb and Fiona hold hands as they watch the boat go down the stream.</p>
<p>“It’s really sad that he died babe” Fiona says</p>
<p>“I know babe, but look at it this way, now you can get--”
<em>Ring Ring</em></p>
<p>Ebb opens her phone then looks at Fiona. </p>
<p>“Looks like the Loch Ness Monster just grew arms and started punching people” Ebb smiled. Fiona looked up and they knew what to do, “It’s Cryptid Catching Time!”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dear lord that was a ride. I'm doing deniall next</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i know that was beautiful no need to tell me</p></blockquote></div></div>
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